Clay Aiken's list of things to do before the Christmas Tour

By Rockysmom..........

Things to do before the CITH tour starts......

1) Right before the tour starts....blog to my cra...I mean creative fans that my hard-drive has crashed and I've lost all of their touching, heart-warming stories about love, redemption, eggnog, donkey poop, and what-not. Since there won't be time for me start over, we'll just have to do the show without their participation this year. Whew. That was a close one.

2) Have Mary smack me upside the head if I ever come up with an idea like that one again.

3) Double check to make sure Jesse and Sean have bought all the kazoos within 500 miles of Michigan so there won't be any birthday serenades. At least not on those things.

4) Make sure Jerome knows not to accept any gifts of jewelry from my fans. Especially ones engraved with sayings in foreign languages. I have enough trouble with Espanyolee, I don't have time to learn anything else. Unless it's Malaysian, I'm mucho goodo with that one.

5) Make sure he also knows not to accept any jars of formaldehyde with pickled body parts inside. Just in case somebody finally got rid of that gallbladder that's been bothering them. Nuff said.

6) Tell Momma one.more.time. that we really don't have room for that pouffy ottoman on the tour bus. Durham will just have to lift his leg against something else.

7)Speaking of Momma, make sure she changes her email address so my fans can't complain to her that I've said "crotch" or "balls" or talked about bodily functions while singing to Baby Jesus. At least Quiana shouldn't be getting any "fat letters" this time around. Speaking of which, make sure there's plenty of Breyers Peach Ice Cream on the bus.

8) Make sure Angela has plenty of Midol since I'm too busy preparing for Spamalot to have time to learn her song this tour. Same goes for Quiana.

9) Make sure the next time I call a tour "yada yada yada Heartland" that I know where the Heartland is and actually perform some shows there instead of doing them all in New Jersey.

10) Try to remember that I am not an angel and stop trying to priiiinnng things

11) Remember that those ladies at the Clack House aren't angels either, so no wearing lowrider jeans, especially ones with rivets. Thank the Lord there are no Christmas songs that include whips and chains. At least I'm hoping there's not. If there are any I'm sure that bunch will find them. HAHA.

12) Dig out that dictionary of Eye-talian musical terms and look up the ones with dirty meanings.

13) Tell Jaymes to stop talking about back-flashes. And her hot flashes too for that matter. And tell her that I have no intention of sliding down her chimney in Santa Monica. She doesn't even have a fireplace-what's up with that?

14) Practice getting my butt back up on stage after I jump into the audience.

15) Practice my video-taking technique just in case that lady with the Radio Shack in her purse is in the front row again. Then I can borrow one of her cameras and my Clack won't skip around. She might smack me if it does.

16) Speaking of getting abused....make sure all of my body parts are accounted for at all times during any flights. Don't want to have to explain things to the FBI again. Or to Momma. Whichever is worse.

17) Shave the hair off several of my appendages so my fans will be too busy speculating about that to ask me any questions about the new CD during the Meet & Greet's.

18) Make sure I have a warm coat and scarf to wear so I can walk the line as often as possible to thank my fans and show them how much I love them.



Once again, thanks to all the Clackgatherers. Without them, this fandom would be the poorer.