Don't people realize that by getting in between me and new Clack that they are manifesting a death wish??? Huh? HUH?
I leave work about 10 minutes later than I planned. Get in the car and make my way through rush-hour traffic towards the thruway. I note, as I pass over the highway, that the cars are barely moving, I see flashing lights up the road. Idiots. Daring to get in an accident when fresh Clack is near???
I desperately maneuver my car into the left lane to detour through the rich, high-class neighborhood situated on a two lane, macadam road. Past kids and school buses. Get off the road!!!! Clack is here! Like a hyena smelling a scent, I took off down the road, listening to the Demo CD, awash in the glory of The VOX. Get to the first light and sit. And sit. And sit. I sat through 4 freaking light changes. Meantime, my desperation is growing, I need my fix. Like a two-bit junkie, I start to hyper-ventilate, my groans turn to screams as the words, "Why the hell aren't you moving" escape from my mouth at a decibel previously unknown to mankind, a look of terror on my face as visions of a clackless store dance in my head.
The light turns green and as I step on the gas, the car in front of me starts to brake. For no reason. There is no light, there is no traffic. There are no cars in front of her. La-di-da, for a lark, this freaking car brakes on and off, for no reason, for the next.two.miles. Almost went all Clay Aiken fan all over her ass.
Finally I get to the third leg of the journey. Turn left and tear-ass down the road towards Wal-Mart. Pull into the parking lot and by the divine providence of the Gods, a car pulls out and I whip my Ford Escort into the vacated spot, just two spaces from the front door.I turn the engine off and just sit for a minute or two, taking deep breaths, trying to compose my racing heart. Trying not to leap out of the car and run into the store jumping and screaming and yelling, "I love Clay freaking Aiken". Nope, wasn't gonna go there.
I get out of the car, walk to the doors and grab a cart. Freaking cart wouldn't come out of the cart conga-line. I ripped that sucker out with a look of desperation on my face, start to push it in the store and realized the wheels were all fucked up and out of alignment. I slammed that cart back into the conga-line like a woman possessed and grabbed another one. Luckily for the cart, this one worked alright.
I walk to the electronics department, trying not to skip for joy and look for THE CD. It's not there! My eyes dart left and right, my head whips around faster than Linda Blair's while spewing green pea soup. I see the 'new release' bin and I'm there faster than a duck on a June bug. Search for boyfriend and finally, after my long-ass wait, spy him in a primo location, the two left upper bins. A sigh of relief escapes my lips as I gaze upon the most gorgeous sight of all.....new Clack. Wonderful Clack. Glorious Clack. I pull two of those babies off the shelf and reverently put them in my cart. I look at the other CD's and notice that Destiny's Child is not selling, Live is selling, and boyfriend has one bin half empty.Furtively glancing around to see who's staring at me, I casually re-arrange the display to boyfriend's advantage. Bought a CD cleaner disk and some blank tapes so I can listen to Clack my CD-less car.
Off to find the book, I head towards the books and magazine section. Wait. It's not there. The area is filled with Rubbermaid, freaking Rubbermaid. Storage bins, trash cans, dish drainers, laundry baskets, but no freaking Clack. Aarrgghh!
Frantically, I dart up one aisle and down the other, looking, looking, looking, and I spy the paperbacks. I was there faster than Clay Aiken talks, faster than a starving penquin on a french fry, faster than a Claymate spying Jerome at the bus.
My eyes dart spastically around the rows of books, left and right, up and down, until I see it! THE book in all it's glory. Boyfriend staring back at me with bedroom eyes, inviting me into his world. I come. Into his world, I mean. Yeah. I come. Alas, no audio book.
As the checker is ringing me up, she remarks, "Oh, I didn't know he had a book out". I told her today was the release date and after educating her in all things Aiken, I happily leave the store, my precious cargo in hand.
Get back in my car to go to B&N for the audio because there's nothing like Clay whispering in your ear as you come. Into his world, I mean. Yeah.
I drive down the brand new highway and get off at the B&N exit and slam on my brakes. Ahead of me are thousands of cars, waiting for the light to turn green. So I brake to a stop and wait. And wait. And wait. I wait at least 10 minutes because apparently the fucking designers of the brand new freaking highway don't have the foresight to plan for traffic around a brand new Mall at the holiday gift-giving season.As I wait, I think of this morning's news story about automobile head rests and how they don't really protect you from whiplash. As I wait. And wait. And wait...I test my headrest, while watching the cars screech to a stop behind me on the rapidly backing-up exit ramp. Yeah, in an accident, I'm fucked. I'll have the worse case of whiplash ever.
As I pull in the parking lot at B&N, again, by Clack design, a car pulls out and I pop in the space, just two spaces away from the front door. I casually saunter in and look around. I don't see the book. It's not up front. It's not in the second section. It's not with the best sellers. I start to panic. My heart beats faster. The sweat pops out on my brow. Don't they realize that boyfriend deserves to be front and center? I walk towards the middle where the cash registers are and spy a 
table where a lot of books are lying down. I see a familiar cover. Bedroom eyes, inviting me, tantalizing me, wanting me. I walk over and serependitiously pick one up, open it and place it so it's standing up. The only book on the table that's standing up. I do it to another, and another, and soon, there are quite a few Clay Aikens staring at me, all with those bedroom eyes. Life is good.I had to reserve one of the two audio books they have on order. Don't know when boyfriend will be speaking to me, but when he does, when he invites me into his world with those bedroom eyes staring at me, I'm going to come. Into his world, I mean. Yeah.
Let's listen to Clay sing Christmas like nobody else on the planet can. The first and last song are from his Christmas CD and the second song is a very special tribute video'ed in Raleigh, NC at the Christmas show. Clay sang it for his grandfather (Papa) who has Alzheimer's, a disease that afflicts many of our senior citizens, my father included.
Don't Save it All for Christmas Day by Spotlightlover
Oh, Beautiful Star of Bethlehem, Clay's tribute to his Papa by Aflack
Winter Wonderland
Related Tags: Clay Aiken, Merry Christmas, with Love, Wal-Mart, Barnes and Noble, Rubbermaid, Clack, Linda Blair, Ruben Studdard, Jerome, Learning to Sing, Hearing the Music in your Life, Don't Save it All for Christmas Day, Winter Wonderland, Beautiful Star of Bethlehem
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